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I’ve just returned from my first ever silent retreat at the Sacred Heart Retreat Center run by the beautifully joyous Carmelite Sisters of the Most Sacred Heart of Los Angeles. I was really excited about going on the retreat 1) because I hadn’t been on one in over a year and 2) the retreat master was a CFR. Plus, with all of the drama that has happened over the last few months, it would be nice to have a little silence, right?

Well, low and behold the very first thing I learned on retreat is that silence is difficult….like…really difficult at least for me.

I arrived at the retreat house Friday evening and after registration and orientation the move into the retreat and official “silence” began. I found myself trying to schedule out my night—read the bible, do some praying, go to bed early, etc. to pass the time. I did the same thing Saturday morning, but after our first conference (when the retreat master spends some time preaching on a topic) I realized I wasn’t really being silent, but far from it. And so, I went to my room and put away all of the books I had brought with me to read (since reading isn’t silence either) and walked around the property. I would say it was about 20 minutes or so of just walking around the campus gardens when I was finally able to stop thinking about the million and one things on my mind. That same day I entered St. Francis’ Garden when a beautiful blue bird landed quite close to me. Then a squirrel did the same thing. I realized then I was not rushing about or anxious. I had actually achieved some level of silence and peace and henceforth the animals were not afraid to come near me.

The sisters gave us a handout with some saintly thoughts on prayer, my favorite of which is St. Teresa of Avila’s “bookmark”:

“Let nothing trouble you.
Let nothing frighten you.
All things are passing;
God never changes.

Patience obtains all things.
He who possesses God lacks nothing;
God alone suffices.”

How much silence do you have in your life? By “silence” I don’t mean just not talking, but a truly deep, quieting of the mind and heart where there is no “doing” only “being.” It is in this type of solitude where we can clearly hear God.

A point brought up during one of the conferences was that beyond the more obvious reasons why silence is difficult (i.e. busy schedules, technology) silence is also difficult because we may not necessarily believe what we find in this silence, that there is a God who loves us just as we are. It reminds me of the difference between a “professed” and “operative” image of God.

A professed image is what we claim to believe about God. For most Christians, this would be that God is a loving, all-knowing tri-partite deity, etc. But not everyone who says this actually believes it. A Christian individual may actually have an operative image of God where God is an absentee Father that you can’t really trust, Santa Claus who only shows up to give us what we want, or some sort of judgmental king that sits there waiting for the slightest sin as an excuse to send us to the fiery depths of the place that shall remain nameless. *wink wink*

Our retreat master told a true story of Catherine de Hueck Doherty, a Catholic woman that ran a home for poor immigrants from Communist countries in Canada. One morning, one of the laborers reported that they only had enough coal for the midday meal—after this last bit of could they would not only be unable to cook dinner for the immigrants, they would be freezing in the Canadian winter. Catherine went into the dining hall and told everyone to stop what they were doing so that they could pray that God would deliver them coal by 3 pm that day. In the corner, one of the immigrants, a young man that happened to be a communist and an atheist, yelled out that they were idiots for believing God would help them, since there is in fact no God. Catherine went back into her office where he periodically popped in, just to make sure she wasn’t calling anyone for help. (Catherine was a former Russian Baroness that had plenty of connections and wealthy friends.) As Providence would have it, a truck showed up at 2:59 pm with a load of coal for the home. Years later, Catherine received a First Mass card and a letter in the mail. It was from that same young man who had become a priest.

Spending more time in silence, or shall I call it solitude, which is wholly different from loneliness, can help us trust the sovereignty of the Lord. The intercession of the saints can also aid us in this trust, but also help us in developing a sense of pious humor. Another conference story is a perfect example of this:

St. Therese of Liseux’s mother called her the “Little Imp” which of course is a small monkey. One of the friars that has a particular devotion to St. Therese refers to her in his prayers as “Little Monkey.” One night, the CFRs were on retreat when that same friar, addressing St. Therese as his Little Monkey, asked for her to deliver them some bananas on their retreat. Not a minute later, the maintenance man for the retreat house showed up with a crate full of bananas he wanted to give the friars before he left for the night.

As I was sitting at the retreat listening to this story, I thought to myself, “Therese, you never do anything funny like this for me.” Well, fast forward a few hours later after the retreat had ended. My group of friends was about to part ways and leave to go home when one of the sisters came out running with a box full of food. Of all the food inside the kitchen including cookies and other goodies, what did she hand us? Bananas. (I didn’t think anything of it at first but then started laughing out loud on the drive home.)

Now this is a trivial example, but this example and the previous one about Catherine proves that there is a God that hears us right here and right now. He knows our needs and wants, and has a plan for each of us. Jesus said Himself:

“Are not five sparrows sold for two small coins? Yet not one of them has escaped the notice of God. Even the hairs of your head have all been counted. Do not be afraid. You are worth more than many sparrows.” (Luke 12:6-7)

Overall, the retreat was amazing. I ended up breaking my silence Saturday night because it was one of my CU girlfriends’ birthday and we had a little party with cake after the rest of the retreatants went to sleep. (And yes the nuns knew about it! They were so sweet in letting us do that for her.)

If you’re interested, I totally recommend you check out the Carmelite Retreat House. It’s GORGEOUS and they are oh so very fun to be around, and completely dedicated to helping lay people increase their spiritual awareness.